Poochess Petunia's Doggy Tricks (#43):
Tired of your humans' same old routines? Looking for a little xtra attention? Wanna mix things up this evening? Well, this tip on another "poo"ch trick will get you all that & more!
First, refuse to go "#2" all day, no matter how many times they take you outside. It may be hard, especially if you're used to goin' in the morning, but where there's a will there's always a way.
Second, after everyone goes to bed, poo in your kennel. Then eat it. Then barf it all up. Then eat that. Repeat until what you're retching out has the consistency of foamy, sticky, chunky mashed potatoes and is the color of caramel. (Don't worry, the taste gets better each time. ;-)
Now, whilst barfing up your guts, make sure to make LOTS of horrible noises to ensure waking at least one of your humans (especially if the only one who's home is the deaf one.) Humans love to take an active roll in all tricks!
Once a human is up and realizes what's going on, they will do their part to take you outside as quickly as possible where you can then wretch out everything you've eaten in the last year under the bushes and then bury it!
OK, so there are a few cons to this trick. One is that you can't exactly control how long you'll be barfing. It could go on for about an hour, and (upon further reflection) if it's been raining lately, you may want to consider the weather patterns before doing this trick as rain at, say 4-6am in the morning, can be very cold and take some of the fun out of it. Another drawback is that you may end up going #2 every few minutes, the consistency of which is quite similar to that which you were barfing- but maybe a bit runnier. At that point, you most likely won't be interested in eating it (one must have standards, after all).
By the time you're done doing your business outside, you get to snuggle up to a warm dryer in the laundry room whist you're human makes interesting comments and noises as s/he prepares a freshly cleaned kennel with another set of clean bedding. They may sound disgusted and angry, but don't worry- they love all the excitement!
At this point you should be significantly tired and ready for a sound sleep. And if, by chance, you feel yourself in need of going #2 again an hour or so after your human falls back asleep. Don't worry, they'll hear you whining and rush to take you outside where you can do your business all over the front lawn area. (They become quite attentive for some reason after you've been pooing and vomiting all over the place.)
Well, that wraps up the "how to" for trick #43. Stay tuned next week for tips on how to access the cat's litter box before your human wastes perfectly good used litter by throwing it out!
